If "Bitter is the New Black" and black is slimming I am an anorexic bitch.

I just got home from a “Evening with Jenifer Weiner and Jen Lancaster” and let me tell you those chicks are funny as hell. Which got me thinking dam it I used to be funny what the hell happened? Then I remember I gave up myself.
Gone are the days of what my life used to be and all the funny antidotes that when with it. No longer am I the Executive assistant who could spend hours retelling the stories of the Type A (anal as hell) VP that could drive a monk crazy. Good god could he complete one frickin thought in under 3 minutes. Or the wild chick who danced on bar tops and pool tables who hardly ever had to buy her own drinks. Gone are the days of multiple boyfriends and/or affairs that were just one big joke after another, and not just in bed but their ideas of commitment or lack of to me or others.
There no longer is a I am but who’s am. Keith wife who keeps his life in check, his dinnerr made and his needs satisfied, his house renovated and decorated . Josh’s stepmom who makes him do chores and be responsible for himself and his actions something his mother would NEVER do. Which in turn some days or possible some hours makes me his step monster. Hailie’s mom the one who lets her get away with the least and tries to make her a responsible child but somewhere along the way is seeming to fail. Ryan’s mom the one who dose it all, the snuggle bug, the poopy diaper changer, the one who will sit up in bed all night just so he can sleep on her chest when he is not in the mood to sleep in his own bed. Everyone's baby sitter, Kim’s fall back plan and Alex and Mal’s back up so they can have weekends off.

I have completely lost the sense of me and who I am what I want and how I want to feel. I am letting everyone else dictate what I do and how I spend my days. Yes helping others and raising my children are good things but everyday I wake up and think what am I going to do for someone else today and hardly ever thinking about what I get to do for me today. I always feel and look like the heavy set schlumpy housewife who never has time to take care of herself past the shower and brushed hair. I want to get out more and have friends again and not just the people at the grocery store. I want to beable to feel 28 like I really am and have a life in front of me not completely wore out like I mostly do and dam it I want to be funny again even if it is at other people’s expense.

Lets try something else

So it is time to restart the weight loss. I am going try the fat smash diet and biking, and ab training. Let;s pray that it works and we achieve the proper goal and that it is a long term result and not a temporary fix.

Poem for My Mother in Law

Susette I did not know you so well but I love you still

For how could I not love to woman who raised such a perfect son

He loves you so much and the pain in his heart is so strong as he mourns the loss of his mom

Please wrap your arms around him and whisper in his ear

“No longer cry for me my dear for I am free and as I stand by Jesus’ side I watch your family grow and I am more proud of you than you will ever know.

Susette Grace Kane

I never knew Susie before her stroke but there are a lot of stories I have heard about her.

Playing cards with George and Judy on the weekends while the kids played out in the barn.

Canasta with Bob and Sue, her Reno trip with Bruce and Rose, cousin’s night with Skip and Sandy celebrating birthdays and just plain fun.

Snowmobiling up in Door County with Keith Kenny, Gail and Grandpa Bud.

All the tractor shows and being the queen of mini bales.

She was a devoted long time friend. Gilnis can attest to that I can’t even remember who my best friend was in the 1^st grade and that was only a couple of years ago.

She like to have fun too, theme new year’s eve parties, camping with the cousin’s, cookouts with some of the neighbors and wheel barrel rides with Keith.

Then there was her love of animals honcho, buffy, bunny, bows, angel, pie wack it, mz. tiffany, chichi and who could forget the raccoon and squirrels she let Ken try to domesticate.

I think of all the things that Suzie missed was being unable the hold and rock her grandchildren. And tell them how much she loved them.

Joshua loved to be rocked. Many times she would get him ready in jammies, and rocked him until he fell asleep in her arms. Countless times she held him and comforted him when he had a booboo or was frightened. So many days that he sat in her lap playing with his hair while she read him a book. In only the ways that a grandmother could.

In her heart she was very happy to have Hailie and I join the family but still she could not reach out and welcome us with hugs. She could never tell me word for word how it brought joy to her knowing how much I loved Keith and Josh.

And when Ryan was born she could not come to the hospital and hold him that very day and count his fingers and toes. When we came home from the hospital we went straight to their house and laid him on her chest and even though she was happy I could see the pain in her heart that she could not wrap her arms around him and rock him until he slept soundly against her chest listening to her heart beat.

Last Monday when it was evident that it was her time to go home with Jesus, I asked for a favor of her once she had gone. Ryan still is not sleeping thru the night and we think it is because he loves to snuggle wants to be held. So I asked if Susie would snuggle with him at night so he would sleep all night. She looked so happy and eagerly agreed.

One day soon Keith and I hope to adopt a child too. When that time comes we know that Jesus along with Susie will guide us in being connected with the child that will need us the most. And she will again return to hold and comfort them too.

So of all the things to look forward to when her life on this earth in this confined body was over it is the possibility of holding her grandchildren once again and for the first time.

How dose the music move you?

There are so many times when there is joy and laughter with songs. I still love to listen to the special cd of songs from my wedding. Some classic songs like You are my Sunshine Some that speak to our hearts and help express our deepest thoughts Bring it on Home by Little Big Town. “You've got someone here Wants to make it all right Someone that loves you more Than life right here You've got willing arms that'll hold you tight A hand to lead you on through the night right here I know your heart can get All tangled up inside But don't you keep it to yourself” and of course the ones that show of fun and goofy side She thinks My Tractor is Sexy by Kenny Chesney because my husband collects tractors.

There are songs that I associate with my kids. H’s song is Day after Day by Badfinger I remember finding out about you Every day, my mind is all around you Looking out from my lonely room, day after day Bring it home, baby, make it soon I give my love to you. J has been dubbed Joshua Giraffe after the song of the same name by Raffi much to his dismay but I still see him smile a bit whenever I call him that. Little R love all types of music we do a music theme almost every day. Disco Tuesdays, flash back Wednesdays, and golden oldies Thursdays. The first song he ever reacted to was Frank Sinatra’s My Way when he was just 3 weeks old. I also have made up two songs that he loves to hear every day.

I truly do have music on all day long, sometimes as background noise, other times to crank up sing and dance along to and let all my emotions good or bad out.

In some of my most painful times music can be a release or my comfort. Four years ago when a friend died too young causing so much pain I did not know how to express exactly how I was feeling. Then a new song came out on the radio that said it all. Who you be Today by Kenny Chesney It ain't fair you died too young Like a story that had just begun The death tore the pages all away God knows how I miss you All the hell that I've been through Just knowing no one could take your place Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today. One cold gray cloudy day as I drove to work the song came on the radio. As I began to cry stopped at a stop sign I looked to the left and there was a rainbow in the sky just for a few minutes as if God was to tell me it is ok he is here with me. Still when I hear it I think of him, the rainbow, and God’s promise of eternal life.

Just after I was married I became pregnant we of course were so happy. When I went for my 8 week check up they were unable to find a heartbeat. That afternoon I had to have a D&C to remove the baby and as I laid there in the hospital bed it hit me like a ton of bricks and all I could do was sing Abba I belong to you by Peder Eide Abba I belong to You, I belong to you. Abba Father. Abba I belong to You, I belong to you. Abba Father God. Abba is an Aramaic for daddy; Jesus called out God as his Abba and shocked the disciples that he was speaking in such a childish way. But in that time I needed my daddy to hold me and make it better. A calm came over me and I knew that it would be alright.

This past fall when I had kidney stones again lying in the hospital bed crying and praying for the pain meds to kick in I sang the entire Tree of Life church service, again I truly felt Jesus presence he wrapping his arms around me rocking his child and comforting my pain.

In February as I sat by the bedside of my terminally ill mother in law it was the word of classic spirituals that I sang to her to help her fell comfort and let her know it was alright that it was time to go. Amazing Grace to remind her of God’s grace and undying love and Softly and Tenderly; Softly and tenderly Jesus is calling, calling for you and for me; see, on the portals he's waiting and watching,  watching for you and for me. Refrain: Come home, come home; ye who are weary come home; earnestly, tenderly, Jesus is calling,  calling, O sinner, come home! 

I’ll Fly Away; Some bright morning when this life is over I'll fly away To that home on God's celestial shore I'll fly away. I leaned over and whispered it’s ok S it is time for you to fly away. On February 22, 2010 she did just that.

Every day I struggle with my mental illness of depression and anxiety, along with the trials and tribulations of this life. Even when the days are really tough I know that I can and will preserver for it is well with my soul.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll; Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say, It is well, it is well, with my soul. Refrain: It is well, with my soul, It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, Let this blest assurance control, That Christ has regarded my helpless estate, And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought! My sin, not in part but the whole, Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more, Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live: If Jordan above me shall roll, No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait, The sky, not the grave, is our goal; Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord! Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight, The clouds be rolled back as a scroll; The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend, Even so, it is well with my soul. Horatio G. Spafford

laments of those left behind

Why did you have to go
How could you feel so low
Why couldn't you see the light at the end of your dark tunnel
Why couldn't you feel all the love that surrounded you from every which way
How could you not understand how much pain you would cause for all of us left behind
Everyday feels so empty with out you in it
If we could have you back for just one minute oh how we would try to make you understand that this was not the way to make your demons go away
And that we still love you more everyday and hope that you have found peace by your makers side.

WHY Lyrics - RASCAL FLATTS

WHY Lyrics - RASCAL FLATTS: "Why lyrics

You must have been in a place so dark
You couldnt feel the light
Reaching for you through that stormy cloud
Now here we are gathered in our little home town
This cant be the way you meant to draw a crowd

Oh why, thats what I asking
Was there anything i could have said or done
Oh I had no clue you were masking a troubled soul
God only knows what went wrong and whyy youd leave the stage in the middle of a song
mmmmm

Now in my mind ill keep you frozen as a 17 year old
Rounding third to score the winning run
You always played with passion no matter what the game
When you took the stage you shined just like the sun

Oh why thats what I keep asking
Was there anything I could have said or done
Oh I had no clue you were masking a troubled soul
Oh God only knows what went wrong and why you would leave the stage in the middle of a song
Yeahhhhh

Now the oak trees a swaying in the early autumn breeze
The golden sun is shining on my face
Tangled thoughts i hear the mocking bird sing this old world really aint that bad a place

Oh I theres no comprehending and who am i to try judge or explain
But I do have one burning question
Who told you life wasnt worth the fight
They were wrong
They lied
Now your gone and we cry
Its just not like you to walk away in the middle of a song
Your beautiful song
Your absolutely beautiful song"