Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Small for some but BIG for me.

I am an emotional eater that is my number one problem and then portion control. When I get stressed or upset I can easily polish off a whole cake or brownies or a dozen cookies. Last night I had a support meeting for suicide surviors talking about the friends I lost. Obviously this was a very stressful and emotionally painful evening but still good for my soul. On the way home I just wanted to make a big pan of brownies to help ease my pain with a shot of adrenial I get from eating a whole pan. But I knew that was a bad idea so I decided that I would make a pan and only have one big brownie take the rest and put them in the garage freezer (just for the record the garage is detached and is about 50 ft from the house so it was a good distance between me and them.) I kept thinking about this plan the whole way home rationalizing all the reasons why this is ok. I ate well the last two days having quite a few points left over each day. I have lost this week. My plan was a good idea only eating one and freezing the rest. But deep down a voice told me no this is the time to be strong and resist the temptaion. I need to learn to control my impulses and not binge when things get rough and this was a perfect time to begin my fight. So I came home and got busy with my kids, did not make brownies and feel proud of myself for fighting the good fight.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Lack of Motivation

So as I am sitting here I am fighting the urge to start snacking. I did eat a small breaskfast and only one cup of coffee but I am not truly hunger at this time. I am more or less wanting to eat because I am board. Yet at the same time I should not be board because I have so much to do (besides writing this blog lol) but I have very little motivation. Yes I am tired because my son has not been sleeping well due to teething and I think he has not adjusted to the new house yet. I believe that this is not truly reason that I have no motivation. I have struggled with this for years I have great intentions but I have a hard time to get going and follow thru. It is not sheer laziness but another daming effect or symptom of my continued struggle with depression. I hate it. Again I am having problems with my medications so I have been off of them for almost 2 months. I wish I could just get it together and stop wasting my life.