Saturday, January 30, 2010


WHY Lyrics - RASCAL FLATTS: "Why lyrics

You must have been in a place so dark
You couldnt feel the light
Reaching for you through that stormy cloud
Now here we are gathered in our little home town
This cant be the way you meant to draw a crowd

Oh why, thats what I asking
Was there anything i could have said or done
Oh I had no clue you were masking a troubled soul
God only knows what went wrong and whyy youd leave the stage in the middle of a song

Now in my mind ill keep you frozen as a 17 year old
Rounding third to score the winning run
You always played with passion no matter what the game
When you took the stage you shined just like the sun

Oh why thats what I keep asking
Was there anything I could have said or done
Oh I had no clue you were masking a troubled soul
Oh God only knows what went wrong and why you would leave the stage in the middle of a song

Now the oak trees a swaying in the early autumn breeze
The golden sun is shining on my face
Tangled thoughts i hear the mocking bird sing this old world really aint that bad a place

Oh I theres no comprehending and who am i to try judge or explain
But I do have one burning question
Who told you life wasnt worth the fight
They were wrong
They lied
Now your gone and we cry
Its just not like you to walk away in the middle of a song
Your beautiful song
Your absolutely beautiful song"

ICEBERGE-An open letter to my sister in law

warning this is vulgar and crude read at your own risk.

You ungrateful BITCH! What the Fuck is your problem? My brother has given you everything he could on a silver platter. And this is how you “thank” him what the hell. My god he gave up everything and joined the Army and went to Iraq so you could have everything you wanted. And what do you do Fuck every man in sight. Now now that he is divorcing your sorry ass and you have realized that you no longer get his money you tell him that he is a bad father because he has not been around. HE WAS IN IRAQ you stupid whore, making money to support his daughter. I hate you I hope you get a STD that is very painful. Do us all a favor especially for your daughter give my brother full custody and disappear into a drug induced stupor that you are so infamous for. We including her will be better off. By the way I HATE YOU !!!!

ICEBERGE-How do you really survive a death by suicide?

So it has been 4 years since the Tuesday that changed everything. I had just gotten to work and taken off my coat when the phone rang it was my mom there was somthing in her voice that made my stomach sink she almost didn't tell me when I told her I had just gotten to work but I drew it out of her "B commited suicide last night". I literally could not breath my chest hurt so bad, my brain could not function enough to draw in another breath. Finally I said "What what did you say" she said it again and I screamed nearly dropping the phone. Truly I cannot rember what I or she said in the next few seconds before the whole office was around me even those in Enginerring heard me and was coming over to see what had happened. I hung up and sobbed. But I still had to try to pull it together I was at work and eveyone was starring. I made one more phone call to Pastor K and told her and asked her to call R. I was just shaking and still somewhat gasping for breath. I some how managed to make it thru the rest of the day being somewhat productive just praying for 4:00 so I could go home to R and just cry. And I did for days I cried for B, I cried for J and K and C and B, I cried for R, and for H and for me. My heart ached I felt a physical pain.

I waked into the Wake a bit early the family was still in there with the doors closed. They opened and C just collapsed into my arms and cried. C the shy shy little girl who in the 13 years I had known her had hardly said much to me just needed someone to hold her. I too cried and my heart ached even more. There were so many people there so many pictures of such happy times I wish I could understand how he felt so alone. The next day at the funeral they practically had to drag in B's mom to the scantuary. Again that sharp pain in my heart and I cried even harder. I never forget one thing the pastor said "God's heart was the first to break that night as he saw his child in so much pain" I believe so true.

The days continued to go by I had to be strong and put on a face for H I had to be a good mom and I had to work and be productive. But at night I just cried and even though I shared a bed with someone I too felt very alone.

Bit by bit day by day I became a bit more stronger even though I still had pain in my heart. I visit his grave every couple of weeks and cry asking why and how did he not feel loved enough strong enough or deserving enough to live. 4 years later I still think of him often and my heart still hurts for him and the others. I wonder when, if ever I will not have this pain.

It aint fair you died to young like the story that had just begun but death tore all the pages away..... and sometimes I wonder who you'd be today.~Kenny Chesney

Monday, January 11, 2010


That is my official weight as I begin this journey. I have a lot of mixed feelings this morning, as a person who loves to cook, experiment and try new foods I think about food WAY too much. I am the definition of gluttony. I think about when is the next time I can eat, what am I going to have for lunch ?snack? dinner? I even think back how was breakfast how could I make it better. I hate that I am this way. It is one thing to think ahead on a "menu"and planning and to hopefully one day gain a career in this field but I am obsessive. I know that I should learn to control myself and I am not sure how. I need to focus on God and my family. Every time I think man I'm hungry or when is the next time I am going to eat I will say a prayer and tell someone in my family that I love them. I will also try and do something to distract myself. If I do this right my house will be completely clean and organized. :) I also need to cut back on Food network, Allrecipies, and recipiezarr. There is nothing wrong with these sites or networks and I am by no means trying to blame them in any way but the are the focus of my life which is not a good thing. I need to control myself and I WILL. Iceberg right ahead.
Please remind me when I am obsessing that I am hungry that I do not know true hunger of the body. And that I am also hungry in my soul which I need to feed more. For man cannot live on bread alone.

Sunday, January 10, 2010


Tomorrow is the big day, the beginning of the end of obesity in this house. I made Keith's breakfast lunch and snacks for work. We then binged on our favorites, Kringle, chocolate covered pretzels, and chocolate milk. I feel so sick right now, we are dumb.
In the morning we will begin a difficult journey please be with us, give us strength, patience, and the ability to succeed. Amen

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

But Daddy I WANT one.

So last night driving home from the cemetery, commemorating the death of a family friend, a very stressful event I wanted an egg roll or two from Hong Kong Chop Suey. Then I heard a voice in my head " you do not need to eat egg rolls". To which I said " Yes I do!" "No you don't" was the reply "but oh yes yes I do. " "NO" the voice was insistent. And like a defiant child ( possibly any one of my three) I picked up my phone said "yes" one last time and dialed. And sure as crap there was no answer at the restaurant. I sheepishly put down the phone and said "sorry God you do know what is best." I went home and had pot roast.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Today's Pet peeve

I am so tired of people complaining about Unanswered Prayers when they do not get what they want. God always answers prayers sometimes the answer is NO. Or not now, not that but this, or the answer is yes but in God's time not human time. Yes there are times that the answer should be yes and right this second ie a child being abused and praying for it to stop. I am not sure of the explanation of that exat instance. But more times than not when someone is complaing about "Unanswered prayers" it is more a want than an need.

The beginning of Now

I'm not the Titanic! WTF does that mean? Well last year I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar disease, my loving husband then nicknamed me momma polar bear. So funny Mr. Kane. I started thinking in the way of the Arctic and have named the hurdels in life icebergs. And I will not be like that ship and let those icebergs sink me.
This is the beginning of now and hopefully I will be able to make it an interesting story. I need a place to air things out and question the universe. I am still trying to come to terms with bi-polar what that means, how it affects me, my family, and my faith. I am a child of God I do not apologize for that if you are not. I will reference my faith, God and Jesus quite a bit. If you are a non believer DO NOT attack my God or faith if you do not like it don't read.

I am also struggling with an unhealthy relationship with food. This is the only relationship in my life that I have every endured the abuse heaped upon me and lied down and took it.
Starting on January 12 I am embarking on a long term weight loss goal. I want to lose 70 lbs going from a size 18 to 8. I know it will not be easy or fast I just want to lose 1-2 lbs a week for the next year and a half. My husband is joining me on this adventure and hopefully I will not drive us over the edge like Thelma and Louise. We are taking multiple modes of transportation on this trip. Starting with the South Beach Diet, exercise, acupuncture, and learning how to let my emotions out in a more healthy ways. Which is the also one of the reasons for this blog.
I will tell you the truth, some days this will be nothing than a bitch session. I will try to make it more productive and interesting but no promises.
These are my thoughts opinions and feelings please respect them even if you do not agree. If you feel that I have said something wrong and would like to correct me please do it respectfully and tactfully. If you are rude and snotty I will put you in your place. If you do not like what I have to say, God gave you free will ,don't read it. Thank you and God Bless.