Saturday, January 30, 2010
You must have been in a place so dark
You couldnt feel the light
Reaching for you through that stormy cloud
Now here we are gathered in our little home town
This cant be the way you meant to draw a crowd
Oh why, thats what I asking
Was there anything i could have said or done
Oh I had no clue you were masking a troubled soul
God only knows what went wrong and whyy youd leave the stage in the middle of a song
Now in my mind ill keep you frozen as a 17 year old
Rounding third to score the winning run
You always played with passion no matter what the game
When you took the stage you shined just like the sun
Oh why thats what I keep asking
Was there anything I could have said or done
Oh I had no clue you were masking a troubled soul
Oh God only knows what went wrong and why you would leave the stage in the middle of a song
Now the oak trees a swaying in the early autumn breeze
The golden sun is shining on my face
Tangled thoughts i hear the mocking bird sing this old world really aint that bad a place
Oh I theres no comprehending and who am i to try judge or explain
But I do have one burning question
Who told you life wasnt worth the fight
They were wrong
Now your gone and we cry
Its just not like you to walk away in the middle of a song
Your beautiful song
Your absolutely beautiful song"
warning this is vulgar and crude read at your own risk.
You ungrateful BITCH! What the Fuck is your problem? My brother has given you everything he could on a silver platter. And this is how you “thank” him what the hell. My god he gave up everything and joined the Army and went to Iraq so you could have everything you wanted. And what do you do Fuck every man in sight. Now now that he is divorcing your sorry ass and you have realized that you no longer get his money you tell him that he is a bad father because he has not been around. HE WAS IN IRAQ you stupid whore, making money to support his daughter. I hate you I hope you get a STD that is very painful. Do us all a favor especially for your daughter give my brother full custody and disappear into a drug induced stupor that you are so infamous for. We including her will be better off. By the way I HATE YOU !!!!
I waked into the Wake a bit early the family was still in there with the doors closed. They opened and C just collapsed into my arms and cried. C the shy shy little girl who in the 13 years I had known her had hardly said much to me just needed someone to hold her. I too cried and my heart ached even more. There were so many people there so many pictures of such happy times I wish I could understand how he felt so alone. The next day at the funeral they practically had to drag in B's mom to the scantuary. Again that sharp pain in my heart and I cried even harder. I never forget one thing the pastor said "God's heart was the first to break that night as he saw his child in so much pain" I believe so true.
The days continued to go by I had to be strong and put on a face for H I had to be a good mom and I had to work and be productive. But at night I just cried and even though I shared a bed with someone I too felt very alone.
Bit by bit day by day I became a bit more stronger even though I still had pain in my heart. I visit his grave every couple of weeks and cry asking why and how did he not feel loved enough strong enough or deserving enough to live. 4 years later I still think of him often and my heart still hurts for him and the others. I wonder when, if ever I will not have this pain.
It aint fair you died to young like the story that had just begun but death tore all the pages away..... and sometimes I wonder who you'd be today.~Kenny Chesney
Monday, January 11, 2010
Please remind me when I am obsessing that I am hungry that I do not know true hunger of the body. And that I am also hungry in my soul which I need to feed more. For man cannot live on bread alone.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
In the morning we will begin a difficult journey please be with us, give us strength, patience, and the ability to succeed. Amen
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Monday, January 4, 2010
This is the beginning of now and hopefully I will be able to make it an interesting story. I need a place to air things out and question the universe. I am still trying to come to terms with bi-polar what that means, how it affects me, my family, and my faith. I am a child of God I do not apologize for that if you are not. I will reference my faith, God and Jesus quite a bit. If you are a non believer DO NOT attack my God or faith if you do not like it don't read.
I am also struggling with an unhealthy relationship with food. This is the only relationship in my life that I have every endured the abuse heaped upon me and lied down and took it.
Starting on January 12 I am embarking on a long term weight loss goal. I want to lose 70 lbs going from a size 18 to 8. I know it will not be easy or fast I just want to lose 1-2 lbs a week for the next year and a half. My husband is joining me on this adventure and hopefully I will not drive us over the edge like Thelma and Louise. We are taking multiple modes of transportation on this trip. Starting with the South Beach Diet, exercise, acupuncture, and learning how to let my emotions out in a more healthy ways. Which is the also one of the reasons for this blog.
I will tell you the truth, some days this will be nothing than a bitch session. I will try to make it more productive and interesting but no promises.
These are my thoughts opinions and feelings please respect them even if you do not agree. If you feel that I have said something wrong and would like to correct me please do it respectfully and tactfully. If you are rude and snotty I will put you in your place. If you do not like what I have to say, God gave you free will ,don't read it. Thank you and God Bless.